Grief
by Johanna-002
Summary: Red helps a conflicted Nicky, who struggles to process her myriad phases of grief when she learns her mother has passed away.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Grief

 **Summary:** Red helps a conflicted Nicky, who struggles to process her myriad phases of grief when she learns her mother has passed away. "Denial and isolation: temporary solutions that would only carry you through the first wave of pain."

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own OITNB or any of its characters. They belong to Jenji Kohen, I do, however, own my writing so please don't steal- Johanna002©

-01-

 _Hemorrhagic Stroke- An emergency condition in which a ruptured blood vessel causes bleeding inside of the brain. The bleeding will eventually become so excessive that it kills your brain cells._

A solitary tear cascades slowly down Nicky's pale cheeks. She wipes it away quickly, her eyes cast downward as she struggles to process what she's just been told. Her fingers drum against the table; her need for a distraction overwhelming her.

"Nicky," Paloma, her childhood nanny calls out to her softly. "Nicky, oh baby." She struggled to maintain her own composure, "I'm so sorry."

It took all of her strength to remain collected, her face scrunched up tightly in pain. Leaning forward across the table, she roughly tangled one hand in her hair, the other coming to rest under her chin. Her bottom lip trembled and she again shifted, hoping the action would distract her enough to regain her composure, if even for a minute.

Paloma's hand slid swiftly across the table to gently grasp hers in solidarity. She longed to say something, anything that would make it better. However, she was wise enough to know that there was nothing that could be said, nothing that could be done, to ease the pain. She couldn't turn back the hands of time and as much as she wanted to, she couldn't help Nicky through this.

"What's going to happen now?" Nicky asks softly, the sound of her voice distant and tight. How could this be happening to her? She couldn't comprehend it. All of it felt like too much. What was she going to do?

Paloma pushed a stack of papers towards her, her hands trembling as she did so. "They want to remove life support." She paused, waiting for Nicky's eyes to flick back down and focus on hers. "In order to do that, you need to sign a consent form."

"Why me, where the fuck is Paolo?"

She hadn't meant to sound so angry, but she couldn't help it. She was a ticking time bomb. She knows it's not a sensible question. She's well aware of the fact that there was no one else. No grandparents, no aunts or uncles. Fuck, she didn't even have a sibling to pass the buck of too.

"In Brazil," Paloma answered sadly. "This is on you Nicky," she reminded her gently. "You're all she has."

This time Nicky can't help herself; she crumbles, her shoulders shaking as tears, hot and salty fall freely from her eyes. She's hurting in a way she's never hurt before, but she's almost positive her tears are not ones of grief. Hanging her head in shame she struggles to catch her breath, needing to calm herself down.

Marka was gone. Her mother was lying alone in some hospital bed, hooked up to machines that were breathing for her. Nicky's eyes were r and swollen as they quickly scanned the documents Paloma had brought, but everything is such a blur.

"I need some time to think about this." She whispered.

Paloma inclined her head in understanding. "I'll be back on Saturday." They stood to leave and she smiled sadly as Nicky embraced her.

Nicky- her fiery-tempered, wild child. She'd practically raised the girl. Inhaling the scent of hair, which oddly still smelled like strawberry, she couldn't help but drift off in time and recall the many late nights they had stayed up reading Charlotte's Web and drinking chocolate milk.

Her hand ran soothingly up Nicky's back, "It'll be okay, Nicole." She whispered into the mane of curls. "I won't leave her side, okay. I promise."

…

Upon her entering the cafeteria, Red spots Nicky and her wild, untamed tresses immediately. With further observation, she instantly recognizes the faraway look and glassy eyes. Hew own pair of striking blue sapphires searches Nicky's face. She wanted answers to ease the overwhelming concern that began to engulf her.

Swiftly, she glides across the cafeteria with a tray in hand. She sets the food down in front of Nicky and watches intently as a myriad of emotions plays across her features.

"I noticed you didn't get anything to eat." She answers Nicky's unasked question, her Russian accent coating her words in a motherly tone, her eyes obvious with concern.

Nicky exhales softly, mildly annoyed. "I'm not hungry Red, but, thanks anyway." She pushed the tray away, cringing slightly at the knocking sound it made as it came in contact with Vause's.

Her attitude duly noted Red isn't deterred; she won't give up so easily. Four years now she had spent mothering the mouthy soul, taking her good days and her bad days. The tension became more increasingly evident with every passing second, and the way her back began to tingle sent an immediate warning to her brain.

Today was a bad day.

Leaning over, just enough to whisper in Nicky's ear, she offered her comfort. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Ma, no!" Nicky was infuriated- irrationally so. Her outburst was unexpected to the whole of the cafeteria, and Red raised an eyebrow in displeasure. "Please," Nicky begged, "Can you just… leave me alone?"

She regretted her words instantaneously, and she looked into the blue eyes of her mother. Unable to verbally apologize, she prayed her silent apology came across loud and clear. Quickly, Red gave a quick nod of her head, signifying she'd received the message.

"Excuse me," Nicky's voice shook. She dashed out of the cafeteria, once more on the verge of tears, well aware that Red's eyes weren't the only ones piercing into her backside. She wouldn't be caught dead crying in front of an audience.

It seemed to take an eternity, but Nicky had finally reached the bathroom. She rushed into the only stall that had a lock on the door; doubling over in pain, her sobs loud and gut wrenching as she dried heaved into the toilet.

Hiding from the world; blocking out her problems, yes, Nicole Nichols had always been good at that. She'd throw up her walls, recoil inside herself and wallow painfully in her own misery. She didn't want to be a burden. It was easier to shove down her feelings and pretend her problems didn't exist. It would be so fucking easy to pretend nothing was happening, that everything was fine- normal.

But denial and isolation were only temporary solutions that buffered the immediate shock and they would only carry her so far through the first stages of grief.


	2. Chapter 2

-02-

 _As the masking facade of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. It's normal for anger to be directed at our friends, family, inanimate objects or even our dying loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us._

In the days to follow Nicky had become increasingly difficult to be around. She snapped at everyone who crossed paths with her; making enemies at a time when she didn't need to. Everyone but Red had shied away from her.

"This isn't like her." The Russian commented rather dryly. "Something is up."

Mendoza scoffed, continuing about her task of sweeping the floor. "You should stay out of it."

"I can't do that."

"Resist the urge to poke."

Red eyes flicked from the chocolate orbs of Mendoza's to Alex's and Morello's who stood awkwardly at the entrance.

She shook her head. "I can't just turn my back on her, and neither will you."

"She's really angry," Morello informed. "Really, really angry,"

"I don't know what's going on with her, but the moment we walk away she could be heading for a deadly down spiral." Red's eyes hardened and her back straightened, almost in an attempt to overpower them. "I will not let that happen." She dismissed them with a wave of her hand, "Check on her, would you? See if we can't get to the bottom of this."

…

Standing in the entryway of the dorm Alex inhaled deeply, her eyes casting from Nicky's slumped form to Morello's sad eyes.

"Why do I have to be the one to sacrifice my head?" She whispered angrily.

"I'm not good with sad people," Morello whispered back. "Red said she wanted to know what was wrong, but she can't get out of work just yet."

"Man, you both owe me big time."

Squaring her shoulders, Alex began the short walk over to Nicky's cube. She stood awkwardly at the entrance. Whether she was waiting to be acknowledged, or deciding what to do next, was a mystery. She invited herself in, taking a seat next to Nicky on the bunk, her back pressed against the cement of the divide. She didn't say a word, just sat next to her until she was ready to share.

Nicky cast her eyes upward slightly, just enough to meet the concern floating about in Alex's. Her head dropped to her knees. She didn't like to feel weak. It was pathetic and it was stupid.

So much bottled up; so many memories of her childhood: good and bad. All of the horrible moments she had shared with her mother far outweighed the good ones. She hated feeling this way.

She hated feeling.

A sob erupted from her and in an instant Alex pulled her close. Her body was shaking forcefully and her breathing was becoming erratic. She couldn't get a grip on herself.

"Oh, Nicky," Alex kissed her head. She couldn't take seeing Nicky like this. "What's wrong, huh?" Her hand rubbed up and down her shoulder. "I'm sure it can't be that bad, just talk to me."

"M-My," Nicky could hardly breath, a sob stuck in her throat. A painful hoarse cry erupted from her. "My mother is dying."

Of all the things Alex was expecting her to say, that was not one of them. She felt her own heart crumble into pieces at the news. Maybe this was exactly the job for her. She could empathize.

"Nicky, I'm so sorry." She whispered softly against her curly hair. "Shh, I know, I know. Shh" She squeezed her tightly.

Nicky calmed down just slightly. "I fucking hate her, Vause!"

Alex wiped away the tears from Nicky's face, much like Nicky had done for her in the library a few years ago. "You're grieving her," Alex stated simply. "Anger is a part of grief, Nicky. It's okay. It's completely normal."

"No!" Nicky couldn't contain herself; she jumped up from her bunk in a fit of anguish. "I really fucking hate her. In her eyes, I've spent my whole life doing one disappointing thing after another."

"We all screw-up, Nicky."

She couldn't hold back her sobs. "I was never good enough for her; she never wanted me. I-" She gripped her stomach in pain, doubling over as she cried. Alex caught her just before she hit the ground. "All I've ever done is disappoint her… an- and now, they want me to sign papers to end her life support." She cried harder. "I have to kill my mom."

Morello could see the interaction but couldn't quite make out what was going on. She wondered briefly if she should intervene, but Alex seemed to have everything under control. Her thoughts were interrupted by a concerned, Russian accent.

"What's going on?" Red wasn't oblivious to the way Nicky was practically curled into Alex. She could hear her cries of anguish from across the dorm. She didn't wait for a response from Lorna, just took off, her mind racing with a million possibilities.

Alex looked at her with big sad eyes, tears of her own stained onto her cheeks. Red's eyes locked onto Nicky's form as she swiftly sat next to them on the bunk coaxing Nicky into her embrace and out of Alex's.

" _Malyshka_ ," Red soothed, "What's wrong, talk to me." Her hands began to stroke her head, pushing her big hair out of the way so she could kiss her temple. "Talk to me."

"I do- I can't- I don't" Nicky began to hyperventilate, struggling to breathe at the same time she was struggling to speak. "I c- I don't want my mother to die alone." The words left her mouth in a hiccup with each syllable.

Red's eyes flicked to Alex's in confirmation of what she just heard. The subtle incline of her head and the way she sucked in a breath trying to keep her own tears at bay confirmed Nicky's confession before Alex even had a chance to speak.

"Marka is dying," Alex was finally able to get words out. She left suddenly, the emotion opening too many raw wounds of her own.

Red's eyes closed as Nicky's body shook with a force she hadn't been expecting. She kissed the crown of her head, her hands steadily rubbing up and down the length of her back.

"I've got you," She whispered. "It's okay. You'll be okay. I've got you."


	3. Chapter 3

-03-

 _Bargaining- a defense mechanism people often hid behind. We try to deflect or find reasons to explain the painful reality that we are forced to face._

"Ms. Nichols, hi." The voice on the other end of the line greeted her. "This is Julie Parr, I am your mother's doctor. I'm sorry you and I can't talk in person." The doctor took a seat across from Paloma, cradling the cellphone between her ear and shoulder.

Nicky wiped at the tear that had somehow managed to fall unbidden from the corner of her eyes. "Yeah, well I am not in a position to do that right now." She said her tone raspy and broken. "Paloma is the reason you and I are even speaking at all."

"I understand,"

Nicky was losing what little control she had of her emotions. "I don't mean to be rude, but can we move this along. Can you just give me an update? Please? I want to better understand my mother's condition."

"Very well," Dr. Parr sighed softly. Nicky heard papers rustling on the other end of the line. "Your mother was admitted earlier in the week, and after some testing we have learned that she has suffered a hemorrhagic stroke. A blood vessel in her brain ruptured and all of that excuse blood is now putting a lot of pressure on her brain. We've also encountered further complication and on top of all that, she has yet to regain consciousness and from the looks of things, it doesn't look like she ever will."

"Okay," Nicky hiccupped tearfully; hand over her mouth to stop the painful lump forming in her throat.

"Her body is also filling with fluid faster than we can drain it. She's on a ventilator; it's a machine that breathes for her." Doctor Parr explained as she skimmed further over Marka's chart.

"If you take her off of that, can she breathe on her own… at all?" Nicky asked leaning heavily against the wall. She didn't know anything about this shit.

"It's very hard on her body every time we try," Doctor Parr said gently. "She's gone into cardiac arrest on four separate occasions and every time we try and revive her it takes longer and longer; it's also very, very hard on her body…" She tailed off.

Nicky was openly sobbing at this point. She was worse than the weeping woman on the phone next to her. "What aren't you telling me?" She whimpered. The way the woman on the phone trailed off told her there was more to this story.

"Her kidney tests are elevated…"

"What does that mean?" Nicky asked angrily. "I'm not a doctor; I don't need these complicated explanations. I just need you, to be honest with me and get to the point."

"Her organs starting to shut down one by one,"

Nicky was shaking her head no, barley able to catch her breath. This couldn't be real. She despised Marka, and while she didn't wish her happiness, she sure as hell didn't wish her a slow and painful death- trapped inside of her own body.

Sobbing, Nicky pleaded with the doctor, "I don't want her in pain. Take her off. Please. Just… let her go."

Doctor Parr sighed, and though Nicky couldn't see her she shook her head sadly. "We need the DNR forms signed, Ms. Nichols. It would be against the law for me to remover her life support without them in our possession." This was the part of the job that she hated most. She empathized with the woman on the phone, and not being able to help her right at this second was heartbreaking.

"Tell Paloma she can come pick up these damn papers tomorrow!" Nicky hung the phone up angrily and immediately sank to the floor. She cried into the bend of her arm, oblivious to those who were suddenly watching her.

So much fucking pain, she had never felt so fucking useless in all of her life.

 _Why are you doing this to me, Marka? Do you hate me that much?_

It was Lorna who had found Nicky first, she had tried to talk her into calming down but it was of no use. It was as if her pleas were falling on deaf ears. Nicky was in so much emotional pain that she had become completely unaware of her surroundings.

"Okay, Nicky" Lorna kissed her head. "Okay. I- I'm going to get Red. Okay?" She bestowed another kiss to her forehead before running full speed towards the kitchen. She didn't do well with crying and seeing Nicky so distraught was tearing her up in ways she wasn't ready to deal with.

"Slow down there, Blanca!" Gloria reprimanded. "Trying to split your head open and get sent to medical? Warren just moped!"

"Where's Red?" Lorna asked, bent over at the waist, her breathing hard and ragged.

Gloria shrugged and tossed her head back in the direction of the kitchen. "I think she said she was going to get a head start on the inventory, so try the office."

Lorna took off again, nearly slipping on the kitchen tiles. "Re- Oh shit!" She grabbed on to the wall, just barely able to keep her footing.

"What's gotten into you?" Red asked, poking her head out of the office.

"It's Nicky, Red. She's not in a good way. I think her mom died, she's crying in the hallway." Lorna was out of breath. "She needs you. I tried to get her to stop but she wouldn't calm down."

In a matter of seconds, both Gloria and Red were racing out of the kitchen, Lorna following behind them.

Gloria broke into a light jog, wanting to see if there was any way she could help Nicky out before Red got to her. If it was really as bad as Morello had described to them, she wanted to spare Red from seeing her baby like that. Turning the corner, she realized it was worse than what Morello had described.

Gloria was crouching down next to her in a second. Nicky was in the middle of a full blown panic attack and her face was turning blue.

"Get up!" She ordered pulling the girl up. She was suddenly overcome with a strength she didn't know she had. "You got to get up and you got to breathe mama. Red is on her way, and you don't want her seeing you like this, huh? It'll kill her."

She pulled Nicky's arms up over her head, locking them in place with her right hand. She used her left hand to make sweeping motions. "In and out, mama. Ahh," She inhaled deeply and then exhaled. "Oww. Come on do it- Ahh- owww." She smiled sadly. "There you go, like that." She encouraged as Nicky forcefully made herself comply. Her left hand came to push in the middle of Nicky's back causing her posture to straighten and open her airways even more.

"Good, good." She wiped away the evidence of tears that stained Nicky's cheeks. "I know you're going through something right now, but you can't let yourself go. You gotta stay healthy." She rubbed her back and pulled her into a tight hug. "You know Red would have someone's head if something happened to you, and I don't need that. She's already a pain in my ass." By the time Red and Norma had come around the corner, Gloria had gotten her to calm down and breathing steadily.

"Good girl," she whispered. She glanced up at Red and shook her head gently; she shuffled the young woman into her arms. "Get her to her bunk and stay with her. Norma and I got dinner shift covered. Right?"

The mute nodded her head yes, her eyes sad as she took in Nicky's broken appearance. She had come to see Red as a sister and Nicky as her niece. She didn't like to see either of them in pain, but it hurt her even worse when she had to watch what ones pain did to the other.

Norma helped Red guide Nicky back to their dorm. Red was oblivious to the hundred set of eyes that were intently watching them. The halls seemed alarmingly quiet, as the women stepped aside to give the trio the right away.

The blank expression on Nicky's face was incredibly alarming. Red had only ever seen this look in her eyes one time- Nicky's first week at Litchfield; her first night as she sat with her in the bathroom as Nicky rode the unbearably painful waves of detox.

Walking from the entrance of their dorm to Red's cube seemed to be a never-ending journey. Nicky's body had suddenly become dead weight, and they practically had to carry her the rest of the way as the young woman leaned on them heavily, succumbing to the emotions she had tried to bottle down.

Bearing her weight entirely, Norma held Nicky up right until Red had comfortably situated herself on her own bunk. She gently ushered Nicky down to the bunk next to her friend. Before she left the room, she placed a soft kiss to the crown of Nicky's head.

A look of reassurance flashed in Red's eyes, and as they conveyed to one another that everything was under control, Norma took her cue to leave.

Nicky had yet to be able to recollect herself.

" _God! Fucking pathetic!"_ She thought bitterly to herself, fighting the comfort of Red's embrace. She needed this so badly, but she had already been so weak- she resisted the urge to collapse into the only person who had ever loved her. She didn't deserve this.

"Don't fight me, Nicky," Red pleaded gently against her temple. "Talk to me. What happened? What can I do for you?"

Nicky's sobs grew louder and her abdominal muscles clenched in warning. She had to get a grip on herself. She felt her body collapse into a heap of exhaustion against Red, her breathing forced and painful.

"You're okay," Red reassured her, arms wrapping around her tightly. "Just breathe," she encouraged softly. "Breathe."

Red twisted her body so that she could recline against her pillow. She pulled Nicky down to her, settling her between her legs so that her back pressed against the comfort of Red's chest. Stroking Nicky's hair, Red sought comfort in the silence that engulfed them- anything was better than Nicky strangled attempts to breathe.

"It's my fault," Nicky whispered hoarsely, breaking the sense of peace she had managed to find. She didn't deserve tranquility; she deserved the chaos that was her life. Her head fell, hanging in remorse. "I did everything wrong."

"You did nothing wrong," Red kissed the side of her head gently. "Shh, you never did anything wrong."

"I did," Nicky hiccupped. "She didn't- She never… loved me."

Red's eyes closed and she shook her head, pulling Nicky's frame tighter against her. "You didn't do anything wrong." She repeated.

"I did," Nicky argued; her shoulders shaking as she sunk further into Red. "I- I was a fuck up from the very beginning, and then the drugs-"

"No!" Red's voice was laced with the venomous need for Nicky to understand her jagged and unreliable relationship with her mother had not been her fault.

Nicky shook her head, refusing to believe her. Red didn't know her before Litchfield. She didn't know what a fucking little horror she had been. Marka had constantly chastised her for being so needy and whiny.

" _A trait you so graciously inherited from your father, no doubt!" She'd snarl at her, nose turned up in disgust._

Nicky wiped her sore and swollen eyes with the back of her hand. "I am not worth it, Red. I'm not worth being loved; she never loved me." Her lip trembled, "Why didn't she love me? I loved her- unconditionally. But she never…"

Red was unsure how to respond. How did she comfort her? What was she supposed to say, was she supposed to say anything? She inhaled the scent of her hair and prayed that she sounded convincing.

"Nicky," She whispered softly, her hands running up and down the length of her arms. "Honey, I'm sure she loved you very much." She punctuated her sentence with a kiss to Nicky's head.

Nicky's painful cry of anguish and small murmured "No" was enough to only deter her slightly.

"Maybe not the way you wanted her to," She amended quickly, "And most definitely not in the way you deserved, but I am sure she loved you." She knew it sounded forced. Marka had missed out on such a gift; had denied herself a real treasure.

Inhaling deeply and then exhaling slowly, Nicky relaxed against Red's chest completely. "They want me to kill her, Red." She whispered sadly. "Her organs are failing. They're going to leave her on those machines and she's going to be trapped… I have to sign papers for them to kill my mom. It's fucking cruel."

"No, _malyshka_ ," Red's tone was heavily influenced by her Russian accent. "Cruel is leaving her there trapped. I wouldn't want that; I wouldn't want that for you. I know she never gave you what you deserved, but she doesn't deserve to be in pain. Let her go peacefully."

Nicky didn't need to be convinced. As strained as their relationship was, she would never allow Marka to suffer in such a manner. Despite how Marka may have felt about her, Nicky truly and honestly cared for her. It was heartbreaking to realize that her silent hopes of ever having a relationship with her would forever vanish.

Curling further into her embrace, intertwining her hand with Red's, Nicky allowed herself to bathe in the love she more than willingly showered her in.

"Nicky," Red said gently, feeling Nicky's body grow heavy against her own.

"Hmm?" She murmured sleepily. Before Red could response, Nicky whispered, "I love you, Red. I know I don't say it enough, but I do."

Red felt her eyes mist with unshed tears at Nicky's confession. She frowned as she realized that they, in fact, didn't tell one another they loved each other. That would have to change.

"I love you too." She closed her eyes at the way her heart fluttered.

Nicky smiled sadly and closed her eyes, further nestling into Red's embrace. "I know. You're the only one who ever has."


	4. Chapter 4

-04-

It seemed irrational, or maybe it didn't, but it felt pathetic to grieve a woman who was never there. This painful reality was something Nicky still struggled to accept. An unspoken promise she had made to herself was to get to know her mother. She had hoped fate would be kinder to her now that she was entering her third year of sobriety- hoping the world would finally reward her.

But with death came good-bye.

Nicky wouldn't be there to hold her mother's hand as they pulled the tubes from her throat. She wouldn't be there as Marka's breathing became slow, painful, ragged attempts; she wouldn't listen to them falter until they stopped completely and she wouldn't be there to listen to the machine trade in a steady cadence of beeps for a long harsh tone, signaling the stopping of her mother's heart.

There would be no goodbye.

Brown eyes opened to see a pair of soft blue ones watching her intently. Smiling sadly, Nicky reached her hand out and sighed in content as her fingers felt the soft skin of Red's cheek. This had become a thing over the course of the last few days. There was a sense of strength that coursed through her exhausted physique every time she allowed herself to do this.

"Are you ready?" Red asked softly, her hand coming up to cover Nicky's.

Shaking her head, Nicky's eyes opened once more. Red felt her heart break at the look she gave her.

Pulling her hand down from where it lay on her cheek, Red placed a kiss into her palm. "I'm going to be right next to you. I won't leave unless you want me to."

With an enormous amount of strength, Nicky pushed herself to sit upright in her bunk. It was too tiresome of a task to put on her shoes so Red had to help her. Nicky turned her head as to not witness the act.

 _Selfish!_ She screamed at herself internally. Red had a bad back, she shouldn't be crouched on the floor putting her shoes on and lacing them up like she was a child. In the course of four days, however, after relinquishing those papers to Paloma, Nicky had done just that- reverted and shrunk into a helpless and defenseless child. She isolated herself in an attempt to spare those around her.

Red's eyes flicked up to watch her as she made the final knot in Nicky's left boot. Her girl had been disappearing into a world all her own for days and it was starting to worry her. She tried not to think too heavily into it. Depression was normal, but that didn't mean she had to like it.

"All done," She said after a minute, her hands tightly gripping and squeezing Nicky's.

Nicky's gaze flicked to see nothing but love and understanding being reflected back at her- It was too much. She dropped her eyes to her perfectly knotted shoestrings. She didn't have the heart to tell Red that the shoe strings were supposed to be tucked in and not tied, and as wrong as it was, it suddenly became perfect. She couldn't help but smile at the small little bows that beamed back at her proudly.

The smile on her features was an infectious one, and Red allowed herself to smile at the glow that she radiated. It had felt like a lifetime since she'd seen such a genuine shine in the girls features.

A surge of determination rushed through her veins, and Nicky managed to push herself the rest of the way off her bunk. Red rose steadily, ignoring the spasms in her back; she felt a sense of relief wash over her at the strength she saw in Nicky's eyes.

Hands coming up to cup Nicky's cheeks, Red stroked the soft skin gently with her thumbs, and smiled lovingly at her. "Are you ready?" Her voice was barely above a whisper.

"I will be… I'll be okay." Nicky answered. Of course she wasn't ready. No one was ever ready to endure something like this.

Without another word Nicky lead the way out of the dorm, Red following closely behind her. They journeyed down the unusually quiet hallways and Nicky cast a look over her shoulder, she needed to know Red was still with her; she couldn't do this on her own. In an instant Red was at her side so that they were walking shoulder to shoulder.

All too quickly, they were standing outside of Healy's office. Nicky stared at the door, reflecting on how they had gotten to this point.

It had been four days ago now that she had relinquished custody of the DNR into Paloma's care, at which time the woman had managed to convince her to wait until Saturday before they took Marka off of the ventilators as all of her closest friends and colleagues were still saying their goodbyes.

" _Maybe she was there for them." Nicky explained, trying to justify a reason in her own mind for why she had been so easily talked into Paloma's request. "I'm right... right? I'm doing the right thing? They deserve to say goodbye to her?"_

 _Red hadn't looked pleased with her musings, but she simply rose an eyebrow in disagreement. She couldn't make this decision for Nicky, and she had silently vowed to herself to not voice her less than positive comments._

 _Shrugging her shoulders, she ignored the look she knew Norma was giving her. "They deserve to say goodbye." She hoped she sounded convincing. It had taken a lot to get Nicky to open up to her about how the meeting had gone._

 _Nicky's tone dropped into a mere whisper, "Can I ask you for a favor?"_

 _At the desperate pleading of her voice, Red stilled and she looked sincerely into the beautiful brown eyes that had stolen her heart._

" _You don't need to ask me for anything Nicky, just tell me what you need and I promise I will do everything that I can to make it happen."_

 _Nodding, Nicky hardly missed a beat. "Healy approached me today, he said if I wanted I could use his office phone and be there… in a sense you know, on Saturday when they- but Ma, I don't want to be alone."_

 _Of all the things Red had expected her to ask that was not one of them. "Okay," She found herself agreeing before she could stop herself. "If that's what you want. I'll be there."_

Too suddenly, Nicky found herself sitting alone in Healy's office. She tried to ignore the way he and Red silently stood outside the door talking about her. Her eyes focused on the stupid bobbleheads he had lined up on his desk.

"How is she doing?" Healy whispered. His eyes were trained on the young woman squirming uncomfortably in her chair.

Red shrugged sadly, "Surviving… barely." She turned her eyes to look at him, "Thank you for doing this for her. I know you don't have to. Who knows, maybe it'll good for her?"

He smiled tightly, "You don't sound convinced."

"I don't think the woman deserves the tears and pain I've had to nurse her through." She shook her head and bitterly cursed under her breath. "She's depressed-"

"It's her mom." He looked taken back at her anger. "I know you care for her but… this woman was her mother."

Red couldn't help but roll her eyes, whispering harshly, "I am her mother; that woman, a surrogate."

Sighing deeply, he looked to the floor, "It's her family; it's only natural she cry and be depressed."

"Family or not, some people just aren't worth the tears."

Being left alone in the silence had done nothing positive to reiterate the notion that Nicky was doing the best thing for herself. She didn't think she was strong enough to do this; she wasn't even sure if she wanted to do this anymore.

It all seemed too painful and too sudden- too final.

This would be it. This would be the goodbye that she would have to live with for the rest of her life. Shaking her head, eyes closed, she did her best to rid herself of the wicked thoughts; she pinched painfully at her own hands, fingernail indentions left in her skin.

"Okay," Healy said, voice penetrating the slice.

Nicky's eyes fluttered open and she looked to her left to see Red sitting next to her. She breathed a sigh of relief, her hands relaxing and she rubbed at her skin in an attempt to erase the evidence of her nervousness.

Watching as the phone was slid over to her, Nicky gulped nervously. With shaky hands she picked up the receiver and she punched in Paloma's number- ten little digits that she had committed to memory years ago.

"You can stay," Nicky's voice was hardly recognizable, phone to her ear as she looked up at Healy who was standing, already feeling awkward and out of place. "If you want, you can stay."

With the pointed glare from Red, he sank slowly back into his chair and sighed deeply. If the moment wasn't already so heavy, Nicky would have chuckled at how intimidated he was by the Russian.

The ringing in her ears caused her to tense up and her palms were starting to sweat. In a move neither Red, nor Healy, were expecting, Nicky placed the phone on speaker before setting it back down into its cradle.

"Hello?" Paloma's voice immediately came to life; it was obvious she had been crying. "Nicky?"

Nicky nodded, forgetting momentarily that Paloma couldn't see her. She opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out.

"Hello?"

"Y- Yeah." Nicky said shakily, her hands balled tightly in her lap. "I'm here."

Paloma sighed sadly. "Hi, baby. I'm going to put you on speaker, okay? It's just me and Dr. Parr, so don't be afraid to ask her any questions."

Nicky felt her hot tears glide down her cheeks, and she breathed heavily when she immediately felt Red next to her, hands tightly gripping her own.

"Okay," They heard Dr. Parr say, her voice barely loud enough for the phone to catch her. "Ms. Nichols?"

The sound of the doctor's voice had made everything real. This was the end. Suddenly, Nicky was overcome with emotion. She couldn't make small talk and pretend that nothing was happening. There would be no beating around the bush.

"What happens now?" She sobbed, her body shaking. She felt Red's hand running down the length of her back in an attempt to soothe her.

"Her heart rate will slow down, and the alarm on the machine will start to sound, but I'll turn it off as soon as it starts. Her breathing will get slower and slower, and her organs will deteriorate because they need oxygen to function."

Red hated how detached the woman on the other end of the line sounded. She hated Marka from simply everything she ever heard about her, and she herself was hardly faring better than Nicky. She wrapped her arms tight around her daughter, hoping in some way to alleviate her pain.

You could hear the doctor's sadness in her tone as she spoke, "And when she is no longer breathing and her heart has stopped, that's when she's gone."

Nicky sobbed loudly at the erratic beating of the monitor that she heard momentarily ring loudly- so loudly the sound was deafening.

"Is this it?" She sobbed into Red's shoulder, her body now completely encased in her embrace.

Red nodded against her, squeezing her tightly. "This is it, _Moya lyubov'_." Her accent was livelier than Nicky had ever heard before.

Abruptly, Nicky pulled away and picked the phone up off the receiver. The device was to her ear and Red momentarily marveled at the girl's strength, she wiped her own tears away with the back of her hand, curious to see if Nicky would say anything to Marka.

"I can't do this," Nicky slammed the phone down, effectively ending the call. "I don't- Ma,"

Red knew she was talking to her, and not calling out for Marka. She had her in a second, and said nothing as Healy made a beeline for the door.

"Cry," She soothed softly against her ear, hands pressing the back of Nicky's head into shoulder as she rocked them gently. "It's okay."

The sounds of Nicky sobbing made Red's stomach clench and twist in agony. She hadn't ever thought Nicky capable of making sounds as horrific as this. She adorned a kiss to her curly mane, holding her as close to her as she could.

" _U menya yest' ty, detka."_ Red whispered hoarsely, "I've got you, baby."

Nicky's breathing was coming and going in harsh pants as she gripped tightly to Red's clothing. She didn't ever want to let go; she wouldn't be able to survive this a second time.

"Please don't ever leave me," Nicky cried, "Please, Ma. I can-"

Red couldn't help but smile sadly against her ear. "Never. I'll live to be a million." It was unrealistic, they both knew that, but it's what Nicky needed to hear.

That evening had found them in Red's cube, Chapman excusing herself as soon as she had saw them. For the time being they were alone.

Red lay on her side, Nicky next to her with her head tucked under her chin and hands gripping tightly to Red's clothing.

It had been an incredibly exhausting day; Red had never felt more tired in all of her life. She smiled sadly at the feel of Nicky nestling even closer to her in her sleep. Stroking her fingers lazily through her hair, she fought back the emotions that had been building since they had left Healy's office.

Wrapping her arm tightly around the young woman's frame she exhaled deeply. This time with Nicky was everything and the way she clung to her like a small child, warmed her heart in an indescribable way.

How had Marka never relished in this comfort? Why had she denied herself this? This was the purest love a person could ever experience. Red would never have the answers to her questions, and unfortunately neither would Nicky.

She felt Nicky shift against her and glanced down, she smiled when she realized the girl was still asleep. She needed it. If the rings under her eyes were any indication, it was quite apparent that she hadn't been sleeping well.

Her fingers came up to trace a path along the soft expanse of Nicky's forehead, before trailing slowly down to her cheeks and she rubbed the top of her nose gently with her thumb. Red's eyes softened even more as she allowed herself to study every detail of Nicky's features. She watched her intently, memorizing ever characteristic, similar to how new moms did when they met their child for the first time. As her fingers danced along the skin of Nicky's cheek, she felt her breath catch in her throat as Nicky's brown eyes sprung to life.

"Hi," Red whispered, dropping her hand. "I didn't mean to wake you up."

Nicky forced herself to smile. "You didn't," she whispered, curling further in Red's warmth.

"How are you feeling?" Red stroked her fingers through Nicky's hair. "You should eat something, you haven't all day. I know you're hungry." Red felt her own stomach growl; maybe it was she who was hungry.

Nicky couldn't help but chuckle. Her smile was brief and it fell all too quickly, for Red's liking. "I'm not hungry."

Rolling her eyes at Nicky's stubbornness, she made a mental note to make sure she ate. "How are you?" She looked a Nicky knowingly, not missing how she had avoided giving her an answer.

"I don't know," Nicky shrugged sadly, "Okay I guess." She bit her lip and played with the fabric of Red's shirt.

A sudden feeling of uncomfortableness cocooned itself in Nicky's heart. Shamefully, she avoided Red's gaze. She feared what she would see being reflected at her in the Russians sapphire blues.

 _This is wrong!_ A little voice inside of her screamed. Maybe it was and maybe it wasn't, but Nicky felt sick to her stomach as she tried to dissect and understand what was going on. _You can finally breathe._ She squeezed her eyes shut tightly in an attempt to dispel the voice. She slipped into the abyss of sleep once more, no longer responsive to Red's voice calling out for her. She was exhausted.


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: The last and final chapter, taking place two years later._

-05-

Nicky fiddled with her fingers, head turned so that she could gaze out the window. She sighed tiredly and leaned her head against the glass. So exhausted was she, that she doubted whether or not she had the strength to go through with this.

The opposite passenger side door opened and Nicky turned her head, eyes widening at Red's sudden presence. "Ma?" She questioned, eyebrow raised high in confusion. "What are you doing here?"

"You didn't think I was going to let you do this alone, did you?" Red asked with a small smirk. She turned to look at the cab driver and inclined her head in acknowledgment. "Ready when you are."

The gentleman smiled and turned back to the road, putting the car in drive.

Nicky sighed a breath of relief and reached her hand over so that she could intertwine their fingers. "Thank you." She mumbled, generously squeezing Red's hand in appreciation.

Red smiled and moved to wrap and arm around Nicky's shoulders, pulling her close. "You don't have to thank me, Nicky. I want to be here."

Nodding, Nicky leaned into her heavily, closing her eyes as she tried to take as much strength from her as she could. After a few moments, she pulled back to resume looking out the window. It had been a long two years, an incredibly difficult journey. She wasn't sure if she would have made it without Red and her unwavering support. This was a debt she would never be able to repay.

Watching her girl distract herself with the passing by scenery, Red shook her head gently. In the two years since she and Nicky had been released from Litchfield, Red had never once broken her promise. She had never even left her side. They had established a new normal and had gotten an apartment together in Queens. Life had been kinder to them for the first time in a long time, and they had worked past nearly every hurdle. They lived a comfortable life and had laid nearly every demon to rest.

This was the final one- the final goodbye.

…

Nicky grips tightly to the carnations in her hand. Her nose crinkled in disgust. "Ugly fucking flowers," she mutters, "What was your deal with these, Marka?" She smirked slightly and shook her head in amusement. Her mother had always had the most bizarre taste. Walking along the soft grass, she came to approach a large stone and her smirk fell into a sad smile. She read the script that had been engraved into the marble and traced every letter with the index finger of her left hand.

 _Marka Nichols_

 _Beloved Mother & Friend_

 _December 30, 1957 - October 22, 20106  
_  
It was simple and plain, and Nicky couldn't help but smile at the fit Marka would probably have if she saw it. She bent down, falling to her knees and gently laid the flowers down in front of the stone.

October 22, 2016, the day she had gained her freedom from the chains that had always held her captive. Her head hung in shame and she felt her bottom lip tremble. She quickly pulled it between her teeth and bit it roughly.

"Hi, mom," she whispered into the air. "It's been a long time since I've called you that to your face." Despite her best efforts, a lone tear trickled slowly down her cheek. "I'm sorry that we never got to fix things between us." She paused and looked down at her hands which tangled together nervously in her lap. "I'm sorry I wasn't what you wanted… but I- I just wanted you to know that I'm good. I'm okay." She shook her head and brought her hand up to lovingly trace her mother's name.

…

Red leaned against the side of the cab, arms crossed over her chest. When she saw Nicky fall to her knees she had debated about going to her but decided against it. Nicky needed this time to herself. She needed to say goodbye in private.

Lifting her head up just in time to see Nicky walking toward her she exhaled a shaky breath. "Nicky," she whispered, pushing herself forward. She took slowly, easy steps until Nicky was just in her arms reach. She shook her head at Nicky's tear stained cheeks and her brows knitted together in confusion at the small smile on Nicky's face. "Are you okay?"

Nicky nodded, pulling her into a tight hug. She squeezed her tightly and more tears fell uninvited. "Yes." She whispered. Pulling back she offered a sincere smile.

"How do you feel?" Red asked, hands coming to cup her girl's cheek, thumb moving over the skin to wipe away her tears.

Nicky's smile widened as she leaned into her touch. "Free," She whispered. Pulling back slightly, she placed a light kiss to the inside of Red's wrist. "Let's go home."


End file.
